Category Archives: My Thoughts

i will be tired too

Is “tired” the correct word to describe this feeling? or maybe “exhausted” is the correct word.

i had to wake early and accompany the boy to his orientation at nursery and couldn’t leave as the boy is like a koala bear clinging on to me. i had to go through the emotional burden of watching the boy cries and cries for his mommy but harden myself to not feel too much about it. after his class, i had to take all his nonsense and frustrations, as a result from his stress in his new environment. Crying, screaming, rejecting food, jumping on me and kicking & beating me. meal times are struggles because he refuses to eat more than 5 spoonfuls now. other than that, i bathe him twice a day, tried to continue with some activities with him and in layman sentence, be his slave. I also bring him out in the afternoon to places he would like to go to compensate him for the stresses he been thru in the new environment in the morning.. all when i am already 25 weeks plus pregnant. my body is very tired and aching every where now.

During the weekends i asked hubby to carry KD instead cos i can’t carry him but he complained to me that after carrying awhile he is having backaches for days now! -_-“” I kept telling him ya, he is a normal healthy strong man and he already had backaches, i dont even need to carry anything i already have backaches already… Yesterday, i asked hubby for help to change the bedsheets but he didn’t reply if ok and he was home late. so i changed it myself cos What For i Wait? i also asked hubby’s help to bathe KD in the evening, he said ok but he was home late, so i bathe him myself cos What For i Wait again especially when KD pooed? This morning, we are running late and hubby asked me to wait for him he will help me bring KD and bags down to the car together, but he was still not ready and we are running late, so why should i wait again? Yesterday night i was so exhausted i asked him to please put on the pants for KD while i go to bed first… this morning i woke up with KD not wearing any pants and sleeping like that throughout the night in the air conditioned room… No, KD won’t die because of that.. But i am super ANGRY and DISAPPOINTED! I would love to have someone to fall back on too! I would love to get help from the hubby and feel doted on too! I will definitely need someone STRONGER than that i presume?

I always feel that people will take the self-initiatives for the people they love. Don’t use work as an excuse, everyone had to work and i can go back to work anytime too… I can wake up earlier than my hubby and sleeps later than him too. It’s about making sacrifices and a commitment. Do you agree? There are many ways to help make each other’s life better too.

I don’t like staying with my in laws because i realised that everyone in this household has LOTSA excuses for everything.. And they love denying that they are at fault and thus they wouldn’t learn and keep repeating the same mistakes again and again.. and of cos, with that, how can i blame my hubby who is brought up like that? i only wish to make it right for my son so that he won’t turn out like them. I don’t think it’s tough being a SAHM. It’s only tough when one is a SAHM and still staying with the in laws and facing their very difficult domestic helper with an attitude. There are simply too much stuffs on the plate. Everything becomes my problem just because i am not working??

And if i work, i can bring home a lot of doughs… just that i needed someone to look after my children to allow me to be able to focus on work. but alas, there is no such person i can trust or rely on at all.

i am just super emo now, pregnancy hormones at work. *pout*

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Kyle’s 2nd day of going to school

Hmm, I find that the break that Kyle enjoyed when I withdrawed him from the childcare and waited for nursery to reopen was too long.

He is throwing BIG tantrums for his 2nd day of school today.  The moment I put on the uniform for him, he cried himself hoarse all the way from home to the school.  I had a hard time carrying the struggling crying boy, lugging his school bag, holding on his shoes.. all with my budging and heavy tummy.

When we entered the class, he was still a koala bear hugging me tightly. After many songs and he was willing to let me go and sit on the floor himself. 🙂 I feel so proud of him at the moment! It’s like he took the initiative himself without anyone forcing him! Little children are much more amazing than we think!

I just came out from the class when he’s settled down. I lied to him that I need to use the toilet and can he wait for me please? I feel when a child goes to school, it’s like the parent going to school all over again.  🙂 the parents are more anxious and worried than the child. Not just the child needs to feel secure and at ease.  The parent has to learn to let go too.

And thus here I am, outside the classroom bloggin on my phone. Making this another precious memory of Kyle’s milestone – transiting from full time childcare to nursery.

I still remember the days when I was the one going to kindergarten and my mommy was standing outside peeping in from the small gaps in between metal window panes. Being a parents in whatever year doesn’t changed much really.  Be it in 1988 or 2013…

Last day of 2012

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2012 seems to pass so fast, it’s the last day of the year today.

I am most grateful and thankful for:
– having the miracule of life growing within me again so in the new year I can give Kyle a sibling
– hubby found a job that he really likes and enjoys
– hubby and my family in supporting my decision to be a Sahm
– being able to spend quality time with Kyle alone before another child arrives

So, how did we spent this last day of 2012?

We
1) spring clean our wardrobes! Moved and kept the clothes that Kyle and I couldn’t wear anymore to make room for the new clothes
2) we went science centre and spent hours there! Caught the “Journey to Artic” omni imax movie, Kyle’s favourite Fire Tornado Demostraion and browse other exhibitions.
3) furniture browsing and groceries shopping at IMM

Simple day it is but good enough for us on a rainy day.. cos our beginning of 2013 is very very fun! We are going Sentosa RWS for a staycation!

A Mommy’s love

A Mother's Love - My Love is beyond my imagination

Being a little under the weather recently, the pregnancy symtoms are getting to me. >.<

The body aches, uncomfortable poor quality of sleep and most importantly, being busy taking care of my number one, my lovely KD. Since the detailed scan day of his sibling, although KD starts kissing my tummy now, but he has also rekindled his insecurities and attachment to me all over again. He is now super sticky, wants me to carry all the time (3 YO already! Ouch my back!) and started whining and crying at the slightest.. 😦 and thus i had been feeling a bit emotional recently too.. i wonder how i can share my love with the other baby and how will KD cope when his sibling arrives?

Before I was a mom, throughout my life, I never like children. I find children very attention seeking being, so mischievous and irritating! :p

When I was in Primary school, I had a Chinese teacher whom always scolded some classmates and exclaimed out loud that WHY did their mothers gave birth to them? It's better off to give birth to a piece of char siew (meat) that can be eaten than to a child that grew up useless (I shivered to think now, what if my son also faced similar teachers next time?) and ya, it kinda instilled deep within me and I always ponder over how can a mom love her children? i cannot visualise myself ever being pregnant and become a mom, i cannot imagine how i can or will love my future children (or if i will have any).. neither can I empathise with a mommy's love or woes. I wonder how come my mom love us more than my dad..

Until I was married and pregnant with KD so unplanned.. When I first saw the positive sign on a pregnancy test kit, I smiled. Nope.. I didn't smiled.. I actually grinned with a burst of happiness within me! I was extremely careful with everything and every single bit of uncertainty I will pay a visit to my gynae.. As KD grew within me, I just love him more and more… It's a different kind of love between lovers, friends or even towards our parents and siblings! I just fell in love like that even before meeting KD! When I held him in my arms immediately after he was born, I promised him that I will be there for him, protect him, educate him, love him until he doesn't require me anymore.. And till to date, i still fall in love with him over and over again, every day, despite the fair shares of mischievous and disciplinary challenges.

In fact everyone love him so much, we all really pamper him a lot. Both me and hubby are very hands on parents. Other than when we are working and KD is in infantcare, we do not rely on anyone else in taking care of him and we can do everything ourselves, that is despite us staying with his parents. In fact, even when we travelled, we bring KD along and he is truly one very fortunate kid that travelled so many times on the airplane and to so many vacations! It's also the love for him that we can't visualize ourselves having a second child.. How do we bear and be able to share the love between two children or more? We only started TTC for our second child when KD turns two and he seemed lonely.. In fact, he is still sleeping together with us now, so imagine how closely knitted we three are…

We conceived our second child only this year and the same, I also smiled when I see the positive results on the pregnancy test kit! I am happy, but i am guilty as the excitement is not the same as when I had KD. Probably it's because I had a child before, probably it's due to KD's insecurities.. He began having nightmares shouting for mommy. He is also angry whenever he sensed he is going to have a sibling.. I continued to carry him cos I don't want him to feel deprive just because mommy is pregnant.. I don't want him to start disliking his sibling! And of course, I wasn't so excited because this pregnancy is tedious! The morning sickness in the first trimester made me so sick that I went to google "severe morning sickness" and read about a mom whom terminated her 2nd pregnancy cos she is vomiting more than 20 times a day and she couldn't manage taking care of her elder son.. That post affected me so much that I was scared stiff that my morning sickness will worsen till that stage I wanna give up too? I don't dare to tell anyone I think I am near there.. but i held on, cos every baby is a precious gift! Every life is precious!

Now, I begin to worry and doubt, if I am able to love the second child as much as i love KD? One thing for sure, as this child is a boy again, he will have very very few new clothes and toys because KD had so much! It only make sense to share. He probably won't have a passport till he is much older as we won't be traveling much anymore now that we are depending on a single income.. In a way, i am glad that this child happen only now, cos i spent three great years with KD watching his every milestone! I wanted to spend quality time with KD now, before his sibling arrives, thus i am focusing on KD's immediate needs (hunger, feelings, being clean etc), I do not have time to focus on the needs of the growing baby as its taken care of by my body instead (supplying blood, oxygen, calcium, iron, minerals etc). I also only visit my gynae accordingly to his schedule appointment now (instead of when I had KD, I visited him almost every two weeks bcos I wanted to make sure he was all right). Till now, i only shared music with my tummy twice! I am guilty of not talking as much to my tummy as when I had KD too…

So, do I love my second child?

How do we measure love? Via our actions? Thoughts?

… …

… … …

I believe I will be able to love my 2nd child and be a 100% mom to both KD and him too. This child will be a blessed child too, because when he is born, not only he has his mother's & father's love… He will has his elder sibling to love him too. I will love him through KD, I will love and teach KD to love his little brother, and if KD loves his little brother well, the little brother will receive a lot more love from others too.

Only when the child arrives, time will tell.. How much I love both my children too..

What matters is..

Really, it doesn’t matters to me that people said that ever since i have a child, i changed. Who doesn’t changed?

Only mothers will truly understand and feel what a mother is going through (though there are exceptions in this world) Now that i have become a mom, i have also learnt to judge comments and sanitise them to be a happy mom so that i can raise happy kids.  I may have worked blindly before, but i will never love blindly. My son is a precious gift to me and i really love him. Only his opinons and image of me is the most important, of course along side with my hubby’s. 🙂

Ever since KD was born, i have heard:

– A male acquaintance whom is a divorcee without a child, posted on my facebook and comment that I love my child too much.. he pities him very much when he grows up. (-_-“”” which parent doesn’t love and enjoy their newborn?? and how does that equates to my child being very pitiful next time? i wanted to reply no wonder he is a divorcee but of cos, being the very nice me, i just simply ignore it)

– A girlfriend of 10+ years that recently ROMed revealed to me that they thought it was scary.. they were afraid if i could be having post-natal depression cos every time if there is a gathering, i will said i can’t make it cause i am staying in the west now and their gatherings are usually in the north-east and on week days.. I will tell them sorry i still gotta rush back to pick up my son from the childcare (which is the truth too ma). They thought i am too obsess with my son. (lol! i told her i selectively join the gatherings cos we have all grown up and apart. not joining those gatherings doesn’t mean i didn’t meet up with a few whom i treasured and is truly close to my heart ma.. maybe i can say that, i simply do not want to waste time on certain people that do not waste time on me too?)

– A married mom ex colleague manager in another department said that “Oh! She has lost her focus cos she has become a mom now, she can’t concentrate cos she is missing her child every day she is working..”

– When i just returned to work after my maternity leave, i did faced a lot of challenges from fellow colleagues.. In sales department any where, most sales people are very competitive and can be very bitchy.. Just because i was a few months away, the person whom was hired temporary to cover me wanted to take over me already! Haha.. and of cos i will never forget those sarcastic remarks and “challenges” .. that was really uncalled for and i wanted to tell her then that, what comes around goes around.. i may still be plump then but i will slim down. i may have become a mom, but i not only grew to become more knowledgeable and experienced, i also become more stable and matured. i don’t see why i will lose out, but it’s just whether i choose what i want. 🙂 (She was many years my senior and also not yet married too)

And of cos there are more instances even from closest family members or strangers, commenting on my methods of parenting and etc. I won’t be bothered to explain myself like i will did if i were much younger and still single..

When i had my premature labour at 32 weeks and was facing it alone as hubby wasn’t around.. i realised how STUPID i ever was in leading my life! Thank god the labour was under control and the baby was not born premature! It’s truly a wake up call and made me realised what’s really important to me in my life, at every moment! i am grateful that it’s not a painful lesson but something that showed me “Look girl… how do you want to lead your life?”

Every moms will definitely faced many kinds of sucky and angry situations where people tried to teach you, criticises you and put you down all the way to hell… usually theses remarks are from people whom are not yet a mom or from the older generation. They have forgotten that they do not have ample experiences as well as they should give the new mom a chance to learn to be a mom. With a pinch of salt, take it as amusement and move on to more important things…

there are way better things in life! 🙂

Doubtful Friday

It’s been two months since i stopped working and today, while having a sinful lunch and checking my emails on my phone, i began to doubt myself in this decision i made to be a SAHM! Guilty me feel HOW CAN a Mommy with no income have lunch outside just like when she is working!! Very soon my savings will be depleted and there are better things to spend money on!

Plus, I saw an email asking me if I am keen in a senior position in the industry I worked in.. It kinda triggers the insecurities deep within me cos no work equals no money and the money I am giving up is not a small amount too. What about a career path? What about doing a regional job? What about changing a car? What about going for many holidays? What about having a dream home? I can’t enjoy all theses if I choose to be a SAHM and depending on hubby’s single income.. 😦

Anyway, the doubts cleared very easily for now. Cos I am carrying my #2 so who wanna hire me??Hahaha. To be honest, I am really very grateful to my hubby whom supported me hands & legs in this decision to spend quality time with KD before he has a sibling… KD is a very mommy’s boy and there is nothing wrong, he is just showing his preference and I will soak in the bliss before he grew up and drift away from me. (he is a boy after all!)

I once asked hubby when is the deadline I should return to work? He replied me why is there a need? No need to go back to work! (WAH… really sounds so blissful leh!) We can be happy surviving on single income too. And more importantly, our children has the Mommy to look after and Daddy can focus on his work. We used to lead a crazy lifestyle rushing to and fetching KD from childcare before and after work.. So in a way, he is not wrong too. Someone has to make sacrifices else no one can be best at anything we do.

Till then, I will see and decide when I want to or need to return to work. 🙂 at this moment, I am still a very happy SAHM enjoying all moments with KD.

P/s: I thought I have quite a flair to be a SAHM too.. At least i didn’t go crazy (yet) :p LOL

To share an image of the sinful very yummilicious lunch i was talking about.. zzz.. just by looking at it i am HUNGRY again!

Super Yummy Curry Mee from Old Town!